WASHINGTON, D.C.- (Oct. 30, 2011)-
This just in, President Obama has passed a law that will hereby ban Halloween. After 86 heated negotiations with Congress, the law entitled “Halt Halloween Hysteria Act” has been put into effect, to be applied to all states immediately. The prohibitions include costumes, Halloween-based movies, television shows and books, Halloween candy, Halloween decorations, haunted houses, pumpkins and black cats.
Many wonder, why now? Why has Obama chosen this particular year to pass such a law? White house officials released a press release yesterday to answer such inquiries. “The President believes it is in the American people’s best interests to discontinue any Halloween-like activities. We have seen the negative effects that Halloween brings to the United States, namely identity theft, childhood obesity and overt promiscuousness on college campuses.” But speculators have been speculating that Obama is trying to win over certain religious groups with the 2012 election looming around the corner.
Shirley Phelps-Rope of the Westboro Baptist Church approves of the new legislation. “This is the first thing that Obama has done right since being in the White House. I’ve endured watching masked idiots running around the neighborhood in search of candy for one too many years. I say we devote October 31st to God instead, and I won’t stop protesting until we do!” The protests Phelps refers to are the newest occupation of Westboro Baptist Church members on Wall Street, bearing signs saying, “Halloween is for sinners!” and “God Punishes Those in Costume.”
In addition to this new spin on the protests, Halloween proponents have taken up the streets with signs exclaiming, “Keep Halloween Alive” and “I Reserve the Right to Remain Masked.” Reporters on Wall Street are continuing to have a hard time discerning all the mixed messages and conflicting agendas swarming the area.
Some protestors are against the new government censorship of Halloween-based material, like the film Hocus Pocus or television series The Walking Dead. Many wonder as to the economic backlash the Halt Halloween Hysteria Act will have on hard-working Americans. Mary Dobits, a Walmart employee, exclaims, “Almost half of our revenue each year comes from Halloween sales; candy, costumes, decorations, brooms. Walmart and other supercenters are going to take a huge hit from this new act, and America can expect to see us protesting it on Wall Street.” Reports of Walmart protestors protesting the Halloween ban on Wall Street are just now hitting the news. As an afterthought, Dobits adds with a sad shake of her head, “How am I going to survive without Starbucks’ pumpkin spice latte?” Many agree.
With Obama’s reputation already at stake for the current condition of the economy, some speculate that his approval ratings will drop even lower in the upcoming months as the economy unravels due to this Halloween ban. And for those ghastly Americans who have already purchased Halloween costumes, candy or decorations, the White House recommends recycling what you can to avoid any unnecessary harm to the environment.
We have yet to see responses from the republican presidential candidates, but no doubt it will be a spooky fight amongst themselves.